This is where my head's been this weekend. I've been making some major and not-so-major decisions. I've had some doors fling open unexpectedly and others slam in my face. In the midst of that, I've been sorting out some health problems and lifestyle changes that I will need to make. Changes that aren't going to be easy. A few weeks ago, we had a conversations as a staff about mystery and faith and trust. A friend of mine reminded us that sometimes, we don't ever get to understand what God is doing. The writer of Hebrews tells us that without faith, it's impossible to please Him. But if we have all the answers, we don't need faith. So mystery, as frustrating as it can be, draws us deeper into faith, deeper into trust, deeper into leaning on the One who is trustworthy.
We sang Oceans [Hillsong UNITED] on Thursday at our college/young adults group. The timing of it couldn't have been better.
Spirit, lead me where my trust is without borders, Let me walk upon the waters, wherever you would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, And my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior.
I wrote this last night and this morning as I was listening to and thinking about that song:
He invites me deep into the mystery, beckoning me into trust, into Him. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is oh-so-weak. It screams in agony at the mere thought of dying to self. I wonder if I can walk on. Yet He whispers grace into the void, reminds me that He is the one who carries me.
He holds out His hands and I take a fumbling step into His arms. Even as I fall, He lifts me. He holds me up, invites me onward, inward. And I keep my eyes locked on Him because I know that if I look elsewhere, I will run and walk and crawl in the wrong direction, back to what has always been comfortable and safe.
I have only to ask, and He will lead me deeper. He will lead me to trust Him without borders. And I do ask. Never have I asked for anything more painful, anything more uncomfortable, anything more beautiful. As He teaches me to trust, allows me to be stretched, He carries me through. He invites me to lean into Him, for knowing Him is worth any pain, any sacrifice.
He reminds me that this is an adventure, and adventures are never safe things. They lend themselves to mystery, to searching. And as I search for the answer, I find Him. Even as I don't understand what He is doing, I learn to trust. I learn that He is faithful, that He never fails. He reminds me through the kind words of a friend that I don't have to carry what God has called me to. I have only to be faithful and to trust Him, so I ask Him to lead me on, to lead me deeper. And slowly, I begin to trust.