Uncertain Certainty and Small Graces

It’s unnerving to sit in a doctor’s office and feel like nobody knows what’s going on.

One doctor I saw this year didn’t have much to suggest after the few tests she ran came back normal. Another told me that all my problems were because I wasn’t sleeping well. She jotted off a prescription that would help me sleep, but she didn’t address the factors that were keeping me from sleep.

I’ve seen some helpful practitioners too, but so far, nobody’s been able to get to the bottom of it. We’ve hacked away at a few of my symptoms, and I have seen a little bit of improvement, but something is still very wrong.

Last week, I traded one kind of uncertainty for another.

I found myself sitting across from a doctor who was pretty sure he knew what was wrong. He’d seen this before, and he could help.

I wasn’t surprised by his words.

I was in his office because I’d suspected this very thing.

Still, I’ve spent so much time fighting an unidentified foe that it’s odd to know what I’m up against.

Well, sort of.

I know about as much as I can right now.

All this waiting has been exhausting. I’m relieved to finally have some answers. There’s still so much that I don’t know, though. I know what I’m fighting, but I’m still waiting for blood work to come back before figuring out how to kick it.

I’m sure that I’ll write more about this as I continue processing it. It won’t be the only thing I’ll be writing about by any means, but since so many of you have been reading along as I’ve written about the waiting and the uncertainty, I thought a little update might be in order.

In the meantime, I’m giving myself some space to figure this whole thing out. And I’m coping with the uncertainty that’s still hanging around by reading as much as I can about what seems to be going on inside of me.

The waiting is still hard. It probably always will be. But for today, I’m breathing in the grace of the answers I do have and a doctor who is both wise and kind. I lose track of those kinds of graces sometimes, but this journey is easier when I stop long enough to remember them.

Are there any easy-to-gloss-over graces that you're grateful for this week?